I was in a place in my life before that I was really longing for someone to be my buddy here in Sydney. I missed my friends. I missed the people whom i spent my time with... both in good times and bad...
When i was "no one" here, no body cares - at least, that was i felt. Then came along my "konnichiwa" friends. It did not last long. The feeling was awesome when i was with them before. It is not everyday that i get a chance to meet such people like them.
Then came the persons i knew from college. One of them asked for my help. I'm trying to help him as much as i could. But it seems like he doesn't want to be helped. He is okay with my help in financial world (i paid for groceries first and some stuff he needs, but i expect them to be paid once he get his first salary. im no charity/foundation). But when giving help in the form of advises, he rejected them all - looked like not listening at all.
I really felt bad now because the only way i reckon i could live with my housemates is to not care with stuff around me. I mind my own business, you mind your own business. I can live with that kind of lifestyle - walk in the room, sit in the couch for a minute or two, then spend the rest of the night in my room.
But I was thinking, it is not supposed to be like that... its totally ok to have that kind of treatment from someone i really don't know like for example living in a back packers inn or sharing a unit with foreigners. But to experience this with "people-i-call-friends" is totally so uncool... they are supposed to be my "almost-family" here. Three of them have their own thing like doing the grocery by themselves, cooking foods (and no decency to at least fake invite me for a bite), or at least ask how was my day every time i arrived from work.
One of them, even though i am trying to help him, it looks as if he doesn't appreciate me. I cannot give everything but i am giving the best i could.
I once told to someone that somehow i reckon it was okay that i felt uncomfortable with them. Because when the time comes that i don't feel anymore, one possible explanation would be i don't care anymore. They would be just another stranger.
But i think when it is not working anymore for myself, i have to stop trying to please somebody or trying to be friends. It is a mean mean thing to say, or even think about, but i have to make things work okay for myself first.
I just wanted to say stop caring when it is not working anymore and affecting your daily life.
When i started not "caring" anymore, it started to totally okay again if I'm not part of their "mini group" (or if i was "replaced").
And now i want to stop caring to the person who was depending on me. How many times i felt that he does not appreciate stuff i am doing? How many times i felt that he is not helping himself... how could i help him if he is not helping himself? Many times to both question.
I just wanna take care of myself. I don't wanna be mean, but in order for stuff to work out (like harmoniously) with my housemates (all of them), i just have to stop caring.
I have to think for my health. Depression is a valid medical thing.
