when would you stop caring?

I was in a place in my life before that I was really longing for someone to be my buddy here in Sydney. I missed my friends. I missed the people whom i spent my time with... both in good times and bad...

When i was "no one" here, no body cares - at least, that was i felt. Then came along my "konnichiwa" friends. It did not last long. The feeling was awesome when i was with them before. It is not everyday that i get a chance to meet such people like them.

Then came the persons i knew from college. One of them asked for my help. I'm trying to help him as much as i could. But it seems like he doesn't want to be helped. He is okay with my help in financial world (i paid for groceries first and some stuff he needs, but i expect them to be paid once he get his first salary. im no charity/foundation). But when giving help in the form of advises, he rejected them all - looked like not listening at all.

I really felt bad now because the only way i reckon i could live with my housemates is to not care with stuff around me. I mind my own business, you mind your own business. I can live with that kind of lifestyle - walk in the room, sit in the couch for a minute or two, then spend the rest of the night in my room.

But I was thinking, it is not supposed to be like that... its totally ok to have that kind of treatment from someone i really don't know like for example living in a back packers inn or sharing a unit with foreigners. But to experience this with "people-i-call-friends" is totally so uncool... they are supposed to be my "almost-family" here. Three of them have their own thing like doing the grocery by themselves, cooking foods (and no decency to at least fake invite me for a bite), or at least ask how was my day every time i arrived from work.

One of them, even though i am trying to help him, it looks as if he doesn't appreciate me. I cannot give everything but i am giving the best i could.


I once told to someone that somehow i reckon it was okay that i felt uncomfortable with them. Because when the time comes that i don't feel anymore, one possible explanation would be i don't care anymore. They would be just another stranger.

But i think when it is not working anymore for myself, i have to stop trying to please somebody or trying to be friends. It is a mean mean thing to say, or even think about, but i have to make things work okay for myself first.

I just wanted to say stop caring when it is not working anymore and affecting your daily life.

When i started not "caring" anymore, it started to totally okay again if I'm not part of their "mini group" (or if i was "replaced").

And now i want to stop caring to the person who was depending on me. How many times i felt that he does not appreciate stuff i am doing? How many times i felt that he is not helping himself... how could i help him if he is not helping himself? Many times to both question.

I just wanna take care of myself. I don't wanna be mean, but in order for stuff to work out (like harmoniously) with my housemates (all of them), i just have to stop caring.

I have to think for my health. Depression is a valid medical thing.

a nice dinner out after a long time

Yesterday i had a dinner with some of my friends here in Sydney. Aien and Arvin celebrated their birthdays. I spent the night with the rest of the gang - Iyam, Amy, Marie, Hannah, Martee, and Frunny.

We ate at a resto in Chinatown which I completely forgot the name. The waiter who got our orders was not really friendly, but i could say the food was great there. What i like the most is the honey lemon sprawn.

A new friend, Frunny, was introduced to me. A connection was made when i found out that he also worked in Safeway Manila.

I missed the feeling of laughter at a dinner table with people - my friends. I had a good night out with them. I really needed a nice relaxing "chillax" with friends.

Its been like ages now since i had that feeling. Some things have changed and i'm moving on.

The TALK

i prefer not having the "talk". The "talk" usually ends not good... at least for me.

When you open the can of worms there is no way of undo-ing it. I'm just afraid that when i say my problems to other party, things won't be the same again.

For me stuff would be awkward... that is why i don't usually tell my problem with the other party and just wait til i overcome with my feelings and issues.... i don't usually say it to other person unless i really know that other party.

Its just that its hard for me to open things up.

Things have been said and i just don't know to how stuff will turn out.


Let's call it a day!

Other Person: How are you?
me: not too bad...


but does it mean something is bad?

For the past days i always say that in office. I cannot say 'great' because i was not in really good mood.

its not that i am being a selfish bitch. i was once told if you lose option you start losing hope. I was put in a situation where i didn't have a choice or so it seems.

I would have done it myself or volunteered myself.

I don't want to argue anymore... i was having a hard time arguing in my mind let alone in real life.

im just tired to argue....



Let's call it a day!

Second to someone, err?

In Philippine cinema, there was a movie that became popular because of the line, "You're nothing but a second-rate, trying hard copycat!". The movie is entitled "Bituing Walang Ningning" ("A Star Without Fame").

When I was still in my primary and secondary education, I did want to be always on TOP 10 of the class. I can remember that when I was in Grade 3, I was only Top3. But I managed to graduate as class valedictorian during my 6th grade. I was able to enter in a "Science High School".

Then in High School, of course, what else did I know, studied and aimed for the best. I wasn't doing great during my first 2 years but i eventually pulled myself together and graduated top of my batch.

And in college, in everything I did, I wanted it to be the best... but i guess my best wasn't good enough.

At any rate, I was a person who wanted nothing else but to be the best in what I did. I wanted that when somebody thinks of a certain field/aspect, he/she can say,'oh, norman is the go-to guy for that'.

Yep.. I managed to be able to be a go-to person for extracurricular activities in some of my organizations.

But nowadays, I don't think I would want to put the same pressure on me neither someone putting pressure on me. No. I don't want it now. I know the feeling. So I would understand if someone keeps comparing you on others.

It bullshit men. Its different when you were little. It is different when the only problem you are having is how to pass a subject or how to get extra allowance from your parents to be able to go see a movie with friends or with boy/girl friend.... It is different now when you are old and earning for a living.

Of course, I'm not saying not to do your best when you grow old, I'm just saying it is not a good idea to compare yourself with another person... or compare one person to another.

First, when you are in mid-20s and above, it would not be helpful for you if you get stressed. It is not good for your health. You'll just keep worrying and worrying. Hey, that is why we have our school days. You should have worried enough when you were young. And when you grow up, free yourself with worries. Enjoy your life.

Secondly, it wouldn't be healthy for your relationship with other people. You will just keep on comparing yourself. Sooner or later, it would not be a "healthy competion" but a game of envy and greediness.

I don't wanna be 2nd to someone.... but being the best now is not my priority... coz right now, i've got better things to do than mere competition.




Let's call it a day!

The First

20100805
Thursday

Today marks my first month at Meltwater - Happy first month to me.... and i'm happy with my job and the people in my job.

Speaking of job... I got an email from a company saying that they were considering me for a job opening. If today was like 3 years ago.... If today Im not in hongkong... If i just don't have my visa... maybe....just maybe i would consider the offer.

I was sad that I had to say 'no' to the company I was dreaming to be part of. I don't know what is with HP, but i really was dreaming to be part of that company. Unfortunately, I was not good enough for them 2 years... which reminds me, Thanks to Safeway for giving me a chance that HP didn't give :P

I was never sorry for accepting the job offer in Meltwater. I didn't know exactly what kind of work environment I was getting myself into, I just knew that I would be doing IT work. The current setup of the office, is not that "corporate-y", so to speak - well, at least here in Hong Kong, I don't know yet the environment in Sydney Office.


First company.
First month.
First Pay.

and then i realized....

20100803
Tuesday


I was really sleepy all day... maybe because I missed my morning caramel machiatto from SB. I felt like I was dead tired or something. I decided to leave the office just before the clock hit 7 in the evening.

I bought my dinner in my favourite mall/arcade here in Central Hong Kong - World Wide House. Instead of going in the usual "carinderia", I strolled around the mall to look for a new place where i could buy my dinner. Then I found a new one... I bought 'menudo' and 'mechado' to go. For only 20hkd i could have rice and 2 viands/toppings.

I ate my dinner at my flat... I was really fulfilled with my dinner, i don't know exactly why, but all i know was that I was enjoying my food.... and then i realized, that next week, i would surely miss eating Filo foods... that the sound of people chattering/shouting Tagalog (Filipino) words would surely be missed by me. I don't know people in world wide house but every time i go there, its just like i know most of them.



11 days to go.... 11 days more... 11 days left...



Let's call it a day!